After one week off, during which several members of the front office and coaching staff attempted to decompress in Serenity Farms, in a room adjacent to the common area where Randle P. McMurphy was trying to explain to Martini that he couldn’t bet a nickel in blackjack by tearing his cigarette in half — kids: Google — the Falcons resume their season this week.
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Cover your eyes.
The financial planners at Weekend Predictions normally wouldn’t be making this the lead investment this week, given the Falcons are 1-7 going on UTEP. But this week’s game is against New Orleans, the opponent voted most likely to want to stomp on the Falcons like a roach giving you the raspberry.
The remains of head coach Dan Quinn decided to shake things up during the bye week by cutting place-kicker Matt Bryant, who doesn’t play defense, and shuffling some of the assistant coaches, which is sort of like seeing the manager of a clothing store that’s bordering on bankruptcy blame the mannequins for just standing there and not being productive.
Quinn’s right. His assistants aren’t getting it done. Neither is anybody else. But this assistants thing is an old problem. A two- to three-year-old problem. Mold has grown on this problem. Actually, mold gave up after the Falcons gave up 53 points to Houston and said, “This is getting old. I’m outta here.”
This season has mutated into a 102-year reenactment of that Boat-Iceberg grudge match, which didn’t end well for the boat, an equally overpriced, overrated collection of pretty objects. Quinn is a good guy and a good coach who’ll learn from this, but right now he’s playing the role of the partially submerged guy who’s focused on deck chair placement.
The Falcons have lost six straight. They’ve dropped 16 of 24 going back to last season. Moving Raheem Morris back to secondary coach isn’t likely to have the same impact of, say, the smallpox vaccine.
Bettors were so impressed by the staff changes that the point spread went up from 12 to 13.
Speaking of odds, the Falcons opened the season at 28-1 to win the Super Bowl. Ah, we were so young then. The odds are now 500-1, give or take a lobotomy.
You would think five punters and three place-kickers since the preseason would fix all the problems, but no.
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Two touchdowns seem like a lot for a Falcons-Saints game. But these eyes have seen too much wreckage. Saints obliterate and cover 13.
Dan Quinn in Charlie Chaplin’s role in “Modern Times.”
Tailgates
Missouri at Georgia: If Georgia blows this game, Kirby Smart will blame it on the media for excessively praising the team after the win over Florida, which isn’t to be confused with the “noise” associated with Georgia’s struggling offense before the Florida game that Smart said he didn’t listen to, even though he referenced it 137 times after the game, give or take an orchestrated rant. So here you go, Kirby. Georgia sucks, and the Bulldogs are destined to choke the way they did after the Notre Dame game and will lose this week to Mizzou, which is coming off consecutive losses to Vanderbilt and Kentucky. Go get ’em. (Kidding: Dogs cover 16 1/2.)
LSU at Alabama: Donald Trump plans to attend this game, assuming he doesn’t pass through customs and switch to Stanford-Colorado. Back to the real SEC: LSU has been the better team, played the tougher schedule, has the less-gimpy quarterback and is in closer proximity to a major city with better food (New Orleans over Birmingham), which is all that really matters. But I still look at this and see Ed Orgeron vs. Nick Saban and think, “In Tuscaloosa? Come on.” Tide win, but take LSU and 6.
Florida State at Boston College: Florida State fired head coach Willie Taggart after less than two seasons. I ran out of fingers and toes, but I think I’ve got this math right. The school paid $3 million to buy out Taggart’s contract at Oregon, another $1.3 million that Oregon had to pay South Florida, $18 million to settle Taggart’s contract and another $2 million to pay off assistants. That’s $24.3 million before even getting to the expenses associated with a new search and paying another coach and his staff. The program also is in such decline that Seminoles are underdogs to Boston College, which is akin to a chipmunk being favored by 3 over a hippo. I like chipmunks. B.C. covers 2 1/2.
Live look at the Florida State business school
Georgia Tech at Virginia: I realize Tech head coach Geoff Collins is just trying to keep it positive, but enough already with the “biggest transformation in college football history.” He inherited actual football players from Paul Johnson, not members of the Phi Kappa Kegger cornhole team. Meanwhile, the Jackets (2-6) can still become bowl eligible if they sweep their final four games against Virginia, Virginia Tech, N.C. State and Georgia. This talking point expires at the end of business Saturday. Cavs cover 16.
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Clemson at N.C State: Clemson is 9-0 and the defending national champion but was ranked only fifth by the College Football Playoff committee, which really doesn’t mean anything, unless you’re a bad team playing them this week, and you’re about to get your arms ripped off. Wolfies, your table is ready: Tigers cover 32 1/2.
Vanderbilt at Florida: They had to clear-cut everything within 15 miles of Todd Grantham’s game plan last week to avoid the fire from spreading. Gators cover 26 1/2.
Here lies Todd Grantham’s game plan (Geographical Imaginations)
Pros and Cons
Seahawks at 49ers: Kyle Shanahan has won as many games in the past eight (8-0) as the Falcons have won in the past 24 (8-16). Analytics. San Fran wins, but take Seattle and 6.
New Yech, New Yech: There was a black cat on the field for the Giants-Cowboys game Monday night, which makes you wonder what kind of animal is going to show up for the Giants and Jets, two teams that have a combined record of 3-14, one quarterback (Daniel Jones) who has been sacked 16 times the past three weeks, another quarterback (Sam Darnold) who has been sacked 12 times and thrown eight interceptions the past three, a head coach (Adam “Crazy Eyes” Gase) who said losing to Miami was nothing to be embarrassed about, and well, that’s enough. Hey, I’ve got the perfect animal to crash this party, assuming he can make it over the bridge from Manhattan. (Below.) I’ll take the Giants and bonus 2 1/2.
Rams at Steelers: This week from Antonio Brown (complete with grammar mistakes): “Imagine conforming to a system giving it a 100 percent to see them treat me like this is unfairly! Making money of my swear and blood. F**k the NFL I’ll never play in that sh*t treat black people the worse [sic]! Clear my name and go f**k your self.” I put this here because I figure the Steelers are on the floor laughing, and it puts them in the right mood for an upset. Take the 3 1/2, but Pittsburgh wins straight up.
Panthers at Packers: Cam Newton (foot) was put on injured reserve and will have won zero playoff games with 44 interceptions and 20 fumbles in four years since his MVP season. What does one wear for a Carolina career finale? Cheese covers 5 1/2.
Cam Newton really said “It’s time for me to look myself in the mirror” out loud and didn’t laugh pic.twitter.com/82f59vWoyG
— Colleen Grimes (@collgrimes) September 13, 2019
Bills at Browns: I admit it: I like Baker Mayfield, even if he sometimes comes off as the kid who broke all of your crayons in half in pre-school, then blamed it on his kid sister, even though he didn’t have a kid sister because his parents decided not to have any more kids, and they went into therapy soon after he formed his first word, “FIRE!” This will turn one day. I think. Browns cover 3.
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Bottom Dollars
“Show me a gambler and I’ll show you a loser.” — Mario Puzo, author
Last week (comeback time): 9-5 straight up, 7-7 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 90-40 straight up, 64-65-1 against the line.
Sack Schultz contest:You can win a free extension to your subscription and aThe Athletic T-shirt. Just pick the winners of 10 games, and the contestant with the most correct predictions wins. Congrats to last week’s winner, Alex Joyce, who went 10-0 — 10-0! — and won on a tiebreaker. For this week’s slate of games and contest details, click here.
Lilly’s pick: Princess Mutt is depressed because she knows she has fallen off in the second half of the season (not really) and she knows how much people depend on her for financial security (not really) and she knows her weekly meal train is about to end (yeah, really). So I’ve been getting this look, via @_TheBestDogs
I have made a terrible choice… pic.twitter.com/ffaJPogfsl
— Dogs are the best people (@_TheBestDogs) November 6, 2019
But back to this week. Lilly goes into Free Cheese Week 11 with a 6-4 record. This week, we cheese’d pictures of Ed Orgeron and Nick Saban for the LSU-Alabama game. Lilly went left, sniffed Ed, then shifted right. Cheese consumed. Roll, Bama, Roll.
